There are so many great things to see and do here in Miami on your next vacation, for goodness sake come and get some sunshine will you? You’re looking a little pale.
While you’re here… do NOT forget that Miami, FL (while very international and a trendy spot), is still a part of the United States of America. There are rules here just like the place you live. Just because everyone thinks its a place to get wild and crazy… You should know a few things.
*My Top Ten List of things NOT to do in Miami
1) Do NOT do drugs in public. The 80’s are gone and NO You can’t use drugs in plain sight. If you got a habit, keep it to yourself or better yet, your hotel room. Or, just stick to the booze while you’re here. That Jamaican guy next to you in the bar probably doesn’t want a hit (as not every Jamaican gets high), and he might be a cop too. This aint vegas baby! (and it’s not Colorado either) Don’t Trip!
2) Do NOT drive your car or Walk on Washington Avenue or Collins on South Beach with a beer or other cocktail in hand. You will get arrested, this ain’t New Orleans people.
3) Do NOT valet park your car. Suck it up and park your own car, and walk in to the place. If not… Your car will get ragged on by the local lead-footed teenager. This applies especially if you live locally, and its really YOUR car. If you’re a tourist and your ride is a rental, then go ahead! I wouldn’t have anyone else drive my car, but hey thats me!
4) Do NOT have sex in the champagne room. You will get tossed out of “Da Club” and possibly spend time downtown with other ill characters. Its a cool jingle to a song, but that aint really happening, ok? Besides, Diddy might have already “blessed” that spot you’re sitting on anyways.
5) Do NOT help anyone at the airport who asks you to check in one of their “extra bags” when flying in or out of Miami International Airport (MIA) or Fort Lauderdale (FTL) for that matter. You remember watching Miami Vice back in the day? Yeah? Nothing like getting locked up over someone else’s dope. Don’t do it – the money’s not worth it!
6) Do NOT buy that Stupid/Dorky shirt that says anything about “South Beach” and wear it while you’re on vacation here. We already know who’s local and who’s a tourist, there’s no need to announce yourself like that. That SOBE t-shirt is only cool when you are back home in Wisconsin or wherever you come from.
7) Do NOT skip the SPF sunscreen while you’re soaking up the sun, We think its funny to see people bright red and complaining at dinner, and there’s a new crop of red newbies in every week. There’s nothing you can do to cover up or repair that nasty, burnt, peeling skin while you’re here, and NO its not a vacation badge of honor when you get home either. Just be smart and pump up the SPF. Ask someone to do your back if you can’t reach it. Aye Camarón!!!
8 ) TRY HARD NOT to get arrested over the weekend in Miami; if you get locked up on Friday night after getting kicked out of a dive bar, your ass aint seeing the judge until Tuesday. Now thats real. Also, If you’ve watched TV recently, you know some peoples get shot here too, and if you’re catching all the action on your mobile phone’s video capture, you just might get locked up too. Just be easy and avoid making an ass our of yourself.
9) Do Not take the opportunity to try out some espanol or any other language that you’ve been practicing in the car. You’re more likely to offend and get slapped in the face than get that hot latina’s digits. While she thinks its cute you just asked her shoe for a date, but her cousin camilo is going to kick your ass. There’s nothing like embarrassing yourself in someone else’s language. Stick to the basics here, and that means speaking English, fool! Plus.. There’s enough people trying to hit on that girl em portuguese, you just can’t swing it like that. Sorry Charlie!
10) Do NOT – I REPEAT – DO NOT fall for the tranny in the dark lounge! If “she’s” smoking hot and wearing a little sash around her neck, thats a dude! Look at those hands! Those feet, those cheeks! C’mon DUDE! If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck,… then.. we’ll, you just spent the last hour kissing and feeling up some dude.
Man.. Now the only thing you can do is get REALLY drunk and go back to the hotel room and brush your teeth and wash your mouth out for an hour.
What were you thinking anyways…? You are not all that, does it make sense that a total stranger hottie is going to roll up and strike a conversation with you? Throw herself at you? Really?
By Louis Wing
* This Top Ten List was created for you, based on my casual observation from having lived in Miami for over 15 years. I transplanted in Miami in ’97 from the Northeast (Maryland to be exact) so I know a little bit about it. I’ve heard hilarious stories from people who have visited Miami and shared their experiences with me. I laughed at most of them, felt bad for a few (those innocent people who didn’t know better), and enjoyed hearing all of the lurid details of these folk’s tales. I always got an extra special kick from the ones that involved something blatantly stupid, like public drinking arrest, outrageous car towing episodes, and of course, that unsuspecting (and unlucky) guy whom I’m saw in Opium Lounge making out with the dude. #10 strikes without warning. But you did say you “wanted an exciting weekend in South Beach” – right!?!
If this was a Top 15 List, I’d add the following…
11) Do NOT assume honesty from anyone. Especially if someone is really going out of their way for you. I hate to say this, but unless you’re being pampered by some hotel staff or concierge – you should know everyone here is up to something. Nobody does anything here without motivation (e.g. – Money on their mind). Be aware.
12) Do NOT pay for anything upfront here, You pay when they bring it. Apply this to everything. No, they aren’t going to “Come right back” with whatever you were trying to buy here. You will never see your money again.
13) Do NOT expect anything in a short amount of time. Everyone here is on some kind of time zone that doesn’t coincide with yours, or reality for that matter. The clock is only a suggestion here, just like the road signs! There’s several different “Times”
- Cuban Time: At least an hour later than expected; LATE
- Jamaican/Caribbean Time: No Hurry- No Worry, 1-2 hours after start time; LATE
- Miami Eastern Standard Time (MEST): We’ll get there when we get there, if we get there 2-4 hours after start time; LATE/NO SHOW.
14) Do NOT login to your bank account in the hotel’s free “Office Area” or even on the hotel WiFi. You should assume someone has hacked or placed a virus in the computer there, waiting for your information to be typed in.
15) Do NOT carry your wallet in your back pocket. With so many people walking in close range everywhere, and add in all the shady characters in this town; don’t make it easy for someone to pick your pockets.