Caffeine – The Legal Crack of Citizens Everywhere

Coffee, Cafe, Cup of Joe, Java, espresso, latte, RocketFuel, go juice… Whatever YOU call it, the name of the game here is Caffeine. Let’s face it folks, this might be legal in every state, but make no mistake its a drug and we’re all hooked!

I’d have to start by saying that I’ve only gotten into my 1st cup of crack today, so I’m only so awake as I am typing this up (sorry if you see mistakes here), I’m sure you understand.  Caffeine (the main ingredient) in my cup of joe, is the “GO” in go juice, and you better believe its what is driving business all over the world. We wake up, we drink coffee, and we’re good to go about our day.

I like mine “muddy” as if to say it has to have cream and sugar, but it has to be strong! Go BIG or stay home some people say… with coffee its about getting your fill of crack. Speaking of getting your fill, what’s up with decaf?!? Are you serious? This is like drinking a beer without the “benefit” of alcohol! So, if you are drinking decaf, does that mean you are going into rehab, you’re a quitter? Sheesh, some things I can’t understand.

What I do understand is that Coffee or caffeine is the crack of our day! I’m sure that every day we see people who haven’t had theirs, and boy is that a sad sight to see. You’ve seen the dude in the McDonald’s commercial where he’s saying “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee”…  and he finally is OK once he gets his hands on his daily crack. So while our society is being coy and funny about it, but thats some serious stuff!

I’m starting to “come to” now that I’ve had a few sips, let’s move on…

We have special mugs to go in our cars, with spill-proof tops so we don’t lose any of the good stuff! Starbucks is a huge company because why? Have you seen the drive-through order windows for them? I mean, people are literally lined up in the morning to get their crack! Why do you think that each of the fast food chains is making a BIG deal about their lineup of crack? BECAUSE THEY KNOW WE ALL NEED TO GET OUR DAILY FIX, and the morning is when we need it most!

To prove that this is a our legal drug of choice, try to NOT have your coffee for two days. I DARE YOU. A good friend tied this and had some serious headaches and didn’t feel better until.. you guessed it, he drank some coffee.

But let’s just say you’re not a “Coffee” person and you prefer your crack to be served cold and gulpable. You may have heard of another crack injection format called ENERGY DRINKS, and of course there’s “old faithful” and by that I mean the complete lineup of sodas and soft drinks which are typically LOADED with the good s*@t. You can get your fix from so many places its insane!

Our children’s schools are beginning drug dealers, as they’ve added soda machines in their hallways and in the cafeteria (funny, that has CAFE) in the root of the name)… humm.. I’ll have to research that more later on.

If it weren’t for our friend caffeine, let’s call him “Feine” so we can call it what it is. We all Feine for our caffeine, are we then “Feining”  (just think of a heroin addict) with the big rubber band, slapping the inside of his arm, trying to get a good vein to pop that needle in. We’re just doing the same thing when you reach for that cup or can of crack. Got a good vein there? I’m sure you do as your mouth is typically ready to intake when you open up!

Ahh yes, the crack of our day is REAL and its got us all comin back every day.  No need to seek out a pusher-man or shady looking guy that slips in and out of the shadows, no need to drive to the “bad” parts of town to get your fix from a lowlife running his business in an alleyway. NO NO NO! You can get your legal fix just about everywhere! Also, no need to  put your crack in a brown bag either, you can proudly display your Starbuck’s branded cup with the cardboard sleeve (they call this a “Java Jacket”).

Speaking of Starbucks… They’ve just upped the ante in the crack game by introducing the new, larger, amount of crack you can purchase. Thats right, a bigger cup of crack! The “Trenta” is 31 ounces of pure crack! Ok ok, so it might be for iced teas and coffees, but still! The size below that was once the bigdaddy of coffee, the Venti (710ML) is a slim version of the largest cup. How big of a needle do you need?

The Trenta is more liquid than your body was designed to handle! The average human stomach holds around 900 ML of content… the Trenta is 916 ML. You do the math here, and you can say “…the part don’t fit” (thanks Flavor Flav).  This is a gluttony of crack!

I look at this in the same way that the burger joints have gotten out of control with the number of beef patties you can have between a bun. All covered with cheese (another addiction I have). Can I get a heart attack and a bypass to go? Yes, I’d like fries and some crack with that. Thanks!

The makers of the new 5 Hour Energy have found a new and compact way of packaging our crack.. tiny little bottles that don’t require any time to prepare before getting our fix, you can walk right past that 12 cup machine on your counter and head straight to the fridge to get your fix. One quick gulp and you’re set baby! Woop- there it is!

Where do we draw the line here? Because its legal its ok? Didn’t we learn anything from prohibition? I guess we did.. which is that if you can use it without smoking it, then its ok. No muss no fuss! Nothing to burn, nothing to learn. Well… Wait a minute, that bleeds into a conversation about tobacco, but let’s stay on point here.. We’re yappin about caffeine here, not cigarettes.

(Yawn), I’m sorry, I’ll be right back, I gotta go refill my cup of crack (coffee).

By Louis Wing

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